John Osler, Staff Writer
John Shipman Osler III, though born in the haven of intellectualism and affluence that is Grosse Pointe, Michigan, was taken from his home at the tender age of three to the heathenous deathlands that are Waco, Texas. Through years of fighting for his survival, John gained life experience through his many death-defying adventures. Once, he had to fend off a really seedy used car dealership owner, who tried to pretend to give him a car. Years later, he saw a clown trying to sell his furniture in a used car lot. Another time, he was captured by Godless demons who tried to sacrifice him atop the volcanic Mount Waco. But a decade of living under the blistering Texan sun taught John how to to succeed in any situation. So when he moved to Edina, Minnesota, he took advantage of the fact that there were marginally fewer dangers in Edina’s icescape than there were in Waco, and used the energy he didn’t spend fighting for his life in creating a successful satirical media empire based around his masterpiece, the Southern View newspaper. He later left his news powerhouse to be a staff writer for Zephyrus.
