Your Horoscope for Today, April 23, 2016:

Aries: take your frustration out on someone else today! Scream, yell, punch, kick, do whatever you need to do in order to make yourself feel less stressed. Close friends and family members are preferred targets, and teachers are a close second.

Taurus: Your Twitter gets a bunch of new followers, but they’re all weight-lifters and wannabe rappers.

Gemini: Windigo screwed up and the person in the yearbook as your senior crush is Doc Loc. 

Cancer: today, while in the bathroom stall, you will forget to lock it and someone will walk in on you.

Leo: your prom date will say no to you after you have serenaded them in front of the entire school.

Virgo: school will be fulfilling and interesting today.

Libra: You will be strip searched at the airport today because you left your family heirloom nail clippers in your back pocket. They get confiscated.

Scorpio: for a whole week, you get one of those boogers that hurts when you sniff in.

Sagittarius: you’re feeling a little nervous about those AP exams, but in a freak accident all the tests catch on fire before they can be scored. Time to retest!

Capricorn: You finally decide to get a perm, and it is ruined by the rain. 

Aquarius: you will get e coli from Chipotle.

Pisces: for some unexplained reason, you have been summoned by King Jong Un, and are now the newest citizen of North Korea.