Aquarius Jan 20. – Feb. 18

February is your month for bold choices and big changes. Get a Betty-White-style perm at the sports barber and watch your confidence soar.

Pisces Feb. 19 – Mar. 20

You feel like finding a hobby outside of your comfort zone. Start an ASMR YouTube channel this month and easily gain a following of over nine million.

Aries Mar. 21 – April 19

Sometimes your anger gets the best of you. Strength is found in choosing your battles wisely; more specifically, avoiding the geese that keep defecating on your lawn. They’re stronger and meaner than you.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

An imposter will be entering your life soon. Don’t trust the man that calls himself your “long lost father” from “Topeka, Massachusetts.”

Gemini May 21 – June 20

You know that violence is never the answer, but your enemies may have other ideas. Make sure to keep both of your faces out of hitting range.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

February is a month of great change for you. However, some elements of your life will stay constant (such as your overdue English paper).

Leo July 23 – Aug. 22

Infatuation with a temporary love can be all-consuming. Take some time to listen to your mother this month as she begs you to “please, for the love of God, turn off that Fortnite nonsense.”

Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

In times of great stress, your anxiety can win you over. Remember that the dark figure in the corner of your bedroom always goes away, eventually.

Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Some people say indecisiveness is your fatal flaw. You don’t think they’re right, but then again, maybe they are…

Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You’ve been feeling lucky lately. Test fate and enjoy a delicious romaine lettuce salad at lunch this week.

Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Laying low may cause you to miss out on great opportunities this month. Invest in Bitcoin and your wealth may skyrocket in 2019! (This horoscope was sponsored by Pon Z. Scheme).

Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan 19

You often find yourself wanting to give back to your loved ones. Spend some time with your friends in the next few weeks, your BFF will need you as an alibi in court on Feb. 21.