Where Are They Now?

What the Presidential Candidates Have Been Up To After Suspending Their Campaigns

Isabel Thompson, in depth editor

This year has been an exciting time for liberals and conservatives alike. Cheering on your favorite candidate is one of the most enthralling experiences during presidential elections. Unfortunately for some candidates, they don’t make it all the way to the end of the race. Lucky for us, Zephyrus has the inside scoop on these dropouts and what they’re doing now that their candidacy is over. Read on to find out about the hidden lives of Chris Christie, Martin O’Malley, and Jeb Bush.

Now $58 million in debt, Jeb Bush sits at home twiddling his thumbs with his wife and two Pomeranians named Lila and Susan. He begins his day with 2 Flinstone Gummies multivitamins, which he washes down with his favorite juice, Cran-Apple. After feeding Lila and Susan, he heads back to the kitchen to have a nice sized bowl of raisin bran. As he flips through the newspaper, he heads straight to the back to read the comics. On most days he enjoys this, unless he sees a political comic, which tends to cause indigestion. Recently, Jeb has taken up a new found hobby, crocheting. He crochets hats for the needy with strands of hair, which stick together because of his frequent crying. After creating one hat, Jeb enjoys long walks around the lakes to feed the ducks. Since Jeb believes in promoting a healthy environment, he feeds the birds gluten free bread, because there is always time to be healthy.

After the demise of his presidential campaign, Chris Christie decided to go another route and fulfill his lifelong dream of becoming the new Subway Spokesperson. Not only does he get three free meals a day, but a steady income which he can use to support his family and put aside money to donate to Donald Trump’s campaign. It appears that the only downside to the job is having some very big shoes to fill as the face of the chain sandwich shop.  A new found hobby of his is selling his clothing on Ebay. The most exciting bid yet was a red and white striped tie that sold for $8. Chris’s favorite way to let out steam is by going to the gym, and watching his fellow Americans get in shape. He likes to bring a large bag of popcorn and Swedish Fish with him to pass the time.

Martin O’Malley, America’s only failed democratic candidate is doing quite well. On the weekends he sits on a park bench and watches the cars go by. He likes to count the number of bumper stickers with Hillary or Bernie’s name on it. He’s decided that whoever gets the most tallies will gain his vote. In exciting news, on March 20th, Martin spotted an O’Malley sticker, his first one yet. He treated himself to an ice cream. Martin’s new pass time is woodworking, he enjoys using his power tools so that his wife can’t hear his bawling. So far he has completed a crooked table and two bird houses. Unfortunately the birds did not enjoy it because he forgot to place a hole in the wood, but his wife was somewhat proud, which in the eyes of Martin, was true a blessing.