April Fool’s satire issue

April 1, 2020

April+Fool%27s+satire+issue

Daniel Amborn

Satire from Zephyrus: the articles below are satirical and should be treated as such; any quotes or situations used, even when said by real individuals, are entirely fictional.

Edina unblocks CoolMathGames and test scores soar

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On Oct. 18, 2019, the Edina School Board made the unanimous decision to move towards unblocking the website CoolMathGames, which boasts thousands of games that, at first glance, do not appear to be related to math. However, after the 2017-2018 school year brought another historic drop in the Edina School District’s MCA scores, the board was willing to do anything to restore Edina’s ranking as the top district in standardized testing.

The website was officially unblocked from the school Wi-Fi on March 10, 2019. “At first, we were hesitant to unblock a gaming website, but the overwhelming endorsement from parents, and their promise of a 10 million dollar funding boost, persuaded us. It took us a while to scroll through the thousands of blocked websites to find CoolMathGames.com, but we eventually got it,” said a member of the administration, who wishes to remain anonymous due to fear of retaliation from angsty gamers.

In the months following the decision, students and teachers alike waited in anticipation. “I truly expected chaos. If the website was unblocked, I thought every student would be rushing to play games, and the very classroom structure would disintegrate,” an anonymous teacher said, again fearing that the gamers would revolt. 

However, for students, the decision marked a mythical sense of freedom. “I felt like a criminal, always turning my computer screen away from teachers just to play Papa’s Freezeria using my VPN. Now that I can play games without fear, they just hit different,” senior John Johnson said. 

After a year of analysis, the administration, teachers, parents, and students are all satisfied with the results. According to werankhighschools.com, Edina High School went from rank number 42 to rank number one for MCA scores in Minnesota. Similarly, EHS students saw an average ACT score increase of 6.9 points this past school year. Teachers attribute this to games such as Papa’s Hot Doggeria, Papa’s Wingeria, and Papa’s Taco Mia. 

In light of the academic benefits from CoolMathGames, the administration is considering blocking Schoology and Infinite Campus. “We think that students are getting distracted by the endless assignments and grades posted to these websites. We are planning to block them for next school year, giving students more time to further train for standardized tests with CoolMathGames,” the same anonymous member of the administration said.

EHS parking lot proves to be a stellar extracurricular opportunity

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Welcome to Edina High School, the “Home of the Hornets,” with 187 state championships under its belt. There is no doubt that students at EHS excel in extracurricular activities, as students and administration alike take pride in our success. Among the most popular activities is one in which over half the student body participates: the ruthless battleground featuring the EHS parking lot. 

Just like any other activity, students find great success and disappointment as they race twice a day, everyday, to see whose white BMW can beat another’s Range Rover into and out of the lot. For many students, causing concussions in sports, crushing the intellectual validation of others in educational extracurriculars, and ruthlessly sabotaging each other for leadership positions simply aren’t enough to boost their morale. Thus, the battlefield serves as a necessary outlet for student violence, both before and after a long and stressful school day. In fact, students pay $300 per year for a chance to take part in this exclusive experience. 

Many students participate in teams of two to three, but a few, like me, prefer to compete alone. Let me run you through a typical day of competition. My day starts with a hearty breakfast (two Monster Energy drinks and a Pop-Tart) before strapping into my full-body armour suit, a typical hand-me-down from my older siblings. After receiving my parents’ blessings and saying a tearful goodbye to my golden terrier—both of whom I’m not sure I’ll ever see again—I set off in my mom’s battered old SUV for the start of my journey. There isn’t much action during the 49 minutes it actually takes to get to the parking lot, because the EHS administration decided that building a one-lane, lengthy path with both a roundabout and intersection on the way to the high school would provide for the most optimal, low-traffic arrival. True brilliance, folks. However, my armoured face mask is crucial for letting people know I mean business. The school also assigns a single, overwhelmed security guard to guide lanes of traffic. Like me, the administration didn’t see any need for a moderator to prevent the few student casualties occurring here and there. It was only when students began to vape in their cars that they decided lives were at stake and took action by appointing a guard. 

I, along with dozens of my fellow competitors, have garnered a steady streak of absences from first-period due to the morning battle session. It’s slightly disheartening since these absences resulted in a rescinding letter from my top choice of college, Harvard, but the battleground is also great for college applications, as a unique extracurricular most students commit to for four years.  

The second battle session, getting out of the lot, is far more gruelling and dangerous. Let me run you through some tips for this session most competitors find helpful:

  1. You don’t need to stay in a single-file line to get out. I find that simply creating a new, unprecedented lane for yourself is helpful. After all, our education system does value individuality.
  2. There is always room for another vehicle; I cannot stress the importance of this. Excessive honking and some crashing won’t hurt to come through victorious. Think of it as bumper cars. Take every opportunity to squeeze between and pass through cars; it is the simplest solution. 
  3. Most importantly, focus on yourself. You are in this for the ultimate battle. Don’t be afraid to send cars or people hurtling into the woods or underneath your vehicle. Remember everything you have sacrificed: your money, any hint of a social life, decent grades, and so much more. 

 EHS prides itself on the unique experiences it provides for its students, especially this battleground. You can often find members of administration being interviewed on the field as other schools seek inspiration to provide the same for their students. Seeing as the battlefield is a prime example of a student-led and personalized experience, the administration does not like to get too involved in preserving the lives or futures of its students. 

Some students see the battleground as a much needed community on their journey in high school, not just because it provides a path, well, to the high school, but because it provides a sense of belonging. Competitors are often able to form connections between different grade levels; whether that is through an alliance, rivalry, or, occasionally, a simple wave through the windshield. Despite the time-commitment required, which many students complain about, the battleground remains as an opportunity for students to grow and develop outside of the high school setting.

EHS bans all allergen-containing foods after PTA raises concerns

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Last Friday, Edina High School installed a Transportation Security Administration (TSA) checkpoint at each of the main entrances to stop any potential allergens from entering the building. Each checkpoint includes an X-ray scanner to screen backpacks, a millimeter wave scanner to detect traces of allergens on students, and an on-duty TSA agent to personally give each student a peanut smell test. 

This policy was first proposed by members of the Parent-Teacher Association. “My son is mildly allergic to peanuts. Last month, he almost came into contact with another student’s trail mix and experienced an inconvenience for the first time in his life. He was so traumatized, he couldn’t even go to lacrosse practice that night! The PTA and I decided we had to do something about the problem,” PTA member Karen Smith said. 

While this policy may be well thought out, it has become extremely unpopular among students. “EHS has gone way too far with this policy. At this point, the only food that’s allowed is water, and that’s not even a food. Honestly, it could be considered cruel and unusual punishment,” sophomore and aspiring lawyer Ryan Shoe said.

Additionally, this policy has resulted in a drastic decline in students’ Grade Point Averages. “I used to get up in the morning, brush my teeth, and grab a peanut butter granola bar to eat on the go before picking up my carpool. Because of this policy, I have to skip my daily granola bar, so I can’t focus in school because I am too hungry. Not that I really focused in school this semester anyways,” senior Kyla Young said. 

This policy has also come with significant backlash. While doors such as Doors 2, 4, and 7 were previously obsolete, they are now buzzing with activity as desperate students smuggle in allergens through these lesser used doors. Additionally, students have already begun an underground allergen trading ring. 

With all the backlash, the future of this policy is unknown. For now, EHS students can only hope that the administration will repeal this strict policy once and for all.

Concord second grader verbally commits to play for the EHS Boys’ Varsity Hockey Team

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The moment Timmy Johnson, a second grade student attending Concord Elementary School, started playing hockey before he could walk, his parents knew he was destined for greatness. It was natural for Timmy who verbally committed to play for the EHS Boys’ Varsity Hockey Team.

“I laced him up in some child skates I bought on supremehockey.com and put him on the two-acre artificial rink in my basement. As soon as he started gliding out there, I saw a young Alexander Ovechkin,” Timmy’s father, Dan Johnson, said. After it became clear Timmy was born to play hockey, his parents began training him for his future in the sport. 

Even though Timmy is a natural on the ice, he puts in the work to take his game to the next level. He currently attends hockey training for four hours a day to further develop his skills. “We never saw him excel in the classroom from an early age, so we believed this was his best chance to make something of himself,” Dan Johnson said. Unfortunately, Timmy is no longer able to see his family on Tuesdays and Thursdays because his family takes NHL prospect support classes.

 Edina hockey coach Burt Kyle first noticed young Timmy when he was at Braemar Arena scouting his future team. “The kid was a real stud. I mean the kid had skills I’ve been trying to teach my boys for years. I saw his potential and had to secure him for my future squad. I didn’t want Blake or Evil Prairie stealing him from our program,” Kyle said. Kyle met with Timmy’s parents and offered him a spot on the roster once he is an eligible freshman at the high school. In order to not get scouted by other schools, Kyle offered Timmy a reserved parking spot once he gets his license and a one-of-a-kind unlimited frozen yogurt card for the school cafeteria. “That fro-yo card sounded fun. I am excited to get frozen yogurt desserts for all my friends. But, my mom said I need to eat all my veggies first,” Timmy said. 

Formally announcing his verbal commitment on March 25, the school hosted a photo opportunity for him and his family to celebrate. Local news outlets like SportsOuter and Planet-Tribune were in attendance and reported on Timmy’s decision for a national audience. The Edina High School Boys’ Varsity Hockey Team is already preparing for the 2027 season by naming the locker room “Timmy’s Place” and putting life-size pictures of Timmy around the school. 

With Timmy already projected as the number one pick in the 2031 NHL draft, he has a bright future ahead of him beyond South View Middle School and EHS. Because of Timmy’s athletic potential, the Edina Athletic Department has started a district recruiting team dedicated to analyzing youth active in Edina sports in order to expand the program and begin more serious future planning. 

The Bachelor cannot promote babies as men

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I am writing to you out of spite because of an affront to love. Peter Weber has caused an uproar in “The Bachelor” universe. Not only has his awful and immature personality caused me to stop watching, but his mother Barbara has caused me to lose all trust in ever having in-laws. 

At the start of the season, I really questioned the producers’ pick. After Hannah B. dumped him, I thought I would never have to see his face again—but look, here we are. I really did not like Peter at the beginning of the season, and now after I’ve seen his face for hours on end I’m at the point of repulsion.  I also believe he did not suit the standards of a bachelor; he wasn’t even hot. In addition, he had no personality to compensate for it. He is the biggest baby I’ve witnessed yet! Did I mention he is 28 years old and still lives with his parents? 

Peter started his season by kissing all the girls without hesitation, leading him to believe he was in love with multiple girls at once. Which, honestly, I think is just him being resourceful with his options. I respect his choice in doing this because at least he is trying to be bold. I don’t even want to get started on the fantasy suite debacle. Maybe if he didn’t get himself into a fight with her he would be engaged to Madison. 

I think Hannah Ann did the best thing she ever could by roasting Peter on live television and degrading him for his choice of taking away the proposal after they broke up. He took away her first proposal—how awful! Even Peter’s mother Barbra loved Hannah Ann, probably more than her own son.  Unless his next suitor wants to be stuck living in his parents’ house forever with no aspirations to have their own life and along with that have a clingy baby as their husband, I still think every girl he comes across is better off without him. Overall, Madison should have left Peter when she had the chance to do so. No tea, no shade, but Sir Peter “the Cheater” but you got what you deserved, your mother hates you, and you are currently blacklisted for being an absolute loser.

The official horoscope: most accurate predictions for your April

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

IT IS OFFICIALLY ARIES SEASON! The first inklings of spring make April the prime month for any Aries to thrive. This month, Aries can expect to be at the center of attention at all times.

 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

It’s no surprise that the Taurus is one of the calmest of the 12 astrological signs because it shares April with the beloved Aries. Good luck living and dying in the Aries shadow, Taurus.

 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

The typical Gemini struggles more than any other sign, so April (like any other month) will be a continuation of a Gemini’s inability to play catch up.

 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Cancers are arguably the most sensitive sign, so prepare for a month—and perhaps a year—filled with tissue boxes and an ocean of tears. Just because.

 

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Don’t be fooled by their charm! All Leos have their own selfish agenda, and the spring season of April is the perfect month for their evil master plans to go into effect. Trust nobody.

 

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Yes, Virgo, likely the most boring sign of all. The classic perfectionist Virgo is anything but smooth when it comes to human interaction. Good luck finding love.

 

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Do you need proof of a Libra’s sense of justice? Just look at Kim Kardashian, who is studying to become a lawyer and fight social injustice at the prime age of 39 with a multimillion dollar empire. But Libras also don’t like conflict…so who knows how that’s going to work out. 

 

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Scorpios are known for their love of authenticity and will not shy away from controversy. This month, a Scorpio can be expected to comment in capital letters on a beauty guru drama YouTube video—and not necessarily to quell the fire. 

 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Don’t ever let a Sagittarius be on the loose by themselves in the wilderness. They’ll walk off the beaten path to forge their own adventure. Literally. Perhaps it’s time to buy a kiddie leash to keep them on track. 

 

Capricorn (Dec.  22 – Jan. 19)

Capricorns are the people who stick closest to rules, routines, and hierarchies, so perhaps they’re not the best person for an impromptu, crazy night out. Better to notify them five to seven business days in advance. 

 

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

There is no general description for the ~unique~ people of the Aquarius sign. 

 

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

The ‘p’ in Pisces stands for psychic, and Pisces are known for having a strong intuition. If they tell you to put pineapple on pizza, then you do it. If they tell you that there’s a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, THEN YOU GO FIND IT! Common sense? Begone.

Freshman makes daring escape from cross country cult, now in witness protection

Jane Swift* is a freshman at Edina High School who joined Girls’ Cross Country this past fall. After discovering the team was a front for a running cult, Swift underwent a daring escape and was placed into witness protection by the U.S. Marshals Service. 

*For the purpose of security, Jane Swift’s name has been changed for this article. 

Zephyrus: How were you drawn into the cross country cult? 

Jane Swift: I saw the cross country girls running one day and was so hypnotized by their fluid movement that I almost rode my bike off the trail. The pack mentality really drew me in and once I became part of the team, I ate, slept, and dreamt cross country.

Z.: What did you enjoy most about cross country?

J.S.: Cross country was like a big family with fun traditions—like running at least 10 miles a day—and crazy relatives. We only spoke in foreign accents on Fridays, skipped free runs to cross-train in the creek regardless of if there was ice, and even created an album featuring songs we made up during runs. You can actually find it on SoundCloud; my favorite song was “Meet Day, Yeet Day.”

Z.: When did you realize you needed to quit Girls’ Cross Country?

J.S.: I was enjoying the season, but constantly missing school for meets had become too much, so I told my team I wouldn’t “join nordic” in the winter in order to focus on school. They were horrified and forced me to carry the team tent alone for the rest of the season, and they also made me return my team apparel. That’s when I realized it had gone too far. 

Z.: How were you able to adjust to running solo again?

J.S.: Once I stopped wearing bright neon patterned running clothes, I found that the serious cross country athletes just dismissed me as a casual runner having fun. I still don’t feel comfortable wearing my Garmin watch though, since that is the unofficial marker of distance runners. It is nice to just enjoy the outdoors without throwing up after practice after running uphill both ways during practice. Now I have the freedom to stay at a comfortable pace instead of progressively speeding up to Eliud Kipchoge’s marathon pace. But honestly, I think I’m going to miss the post-practice chocolate milk the most. 

EHS teacher joins Fashion Club in order to teach more holistically

The recent arrival of teen trends, such as VSCO girls and e-boys, have made some Edina High School teachers eager to learn the youth lingo. One teacher in particular has taken an aggressive approach in his attempt to gain an understanding. AP Government and AP US History teacher Erik Anderson has decided to join the EHS Fashion Club in order to become more hip, especially in today’s social climate when one may be ridiculed for their lack of trendy wear. 

Lately, Anderson can be seen donning scrunchies on his wrist and wearing black nail polish. He’s even gone as far as to pierce his ears, to exacerbate his e-boy look. “I find it makes me more popular around the kids,” Anderson said. 

As well as Fashion Club, Anderson has joined the EHS Math Team. “I felt like I needed to branch out from being just a social studies teacher. Math has always called to me,” Anderson said. “Something about the difficulty of adding and subtracting makes me love it. I think if I weren’t a social studies teacher, I’d be teaching preschool level math.” 

Joining these clubs have made Anderson’s teaching style more holistic, reportedly changing his teaching focus from solely government and history to include other topics. “Yesterday instead of learning about the Executive Branch we took timed multiplication tests,” freshman Georgia Shington said. 

Since joining the Math Team and Fashion Club, Anderson’s popularity has boomed exponentially. According to the RateMyTeachers website, his popularity has jumped from 20 percent to 60 percent. It is speculated that other teachers will soon follow suit in order to achieve higher ratings as well.

EHS tries new method to promote school spirit: releasing giant hornets indoors

On March 1, about 500 Asian giant hornets were released into Edina High School as part of the administration’s efforts to boost morale and to keep students alert during the school day. Since then, over 1,000 students have been hospitalized due to stings and many have refused to return to school.

The hornets were collected by hand over the summer of 2019 on a faculty trip to Japan, where the species are common, according to a teacher who wishes to remain anonymous. “Obviously, in hindsight this might not have been the best idea. Even at the time, I thought it might be better to go for a less dangerous species, like the European hornet,” he said. “But what Beaton wants, Beaton gets.” The administration was looking specifically for a subspecies that would keep students on their toes, which was why the logical choice was the Asian giant hornet, whose stings can cause death and have been linked to kidney failure.

While successfully reducing student inattention and lethargy, the hornets also caused a massive panic across the school, with students and teachers alike either barricading themselves within rooms or running out of the school. The hornets have since spread to other locations in Edina and the city has declared a peacetime emergency to manage the infestation. The administration, however, encourages community members to focus on the positives. “We are pleased to report that students were more alert than ever, and we hope that students will be able to direct their newfound focus to their schoolwork in the coming days,” Principal Andrew Beaton said. 

The administration released a newsletter two days prior to the release of the hornets, but many students say they didn’t see it. “I don’t condone propaganda, so I didn’t read the newsletter,” junior Hailey Bee said. “I didn’t know that the hornets were going to be released that day, and so when I got stung I had to go to the hospital because of a severe allergic reaction. But even though my kidneys are ruined forever, I really believe that this has been a good experience. I’ve never felt more productive than when I was running from the hornets.” At the time of the interview, Bee was in the emergency room at Fairview Southdale Hospital.

At this time, there are still over 100 live hornets roaming the halls while half of the student population has refused to show up to school. Those who are attending have been seen wearing beekeeping suits and other similarly aggressive forms of protection. It is unclear when students and teachers can expect for all hornets to be removed, but the administration has announced that it will soon be introducing toxic hooded pitohui birds to help students relax after the excitement of the hornets.

Beyond Kent State: Gun Girl takes on Flex Space injustice

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Kaitlin Bennett, anecdotally known as “Gun Girl,” rose to fame after her confrontational style in YouTube videos went viral across college and high school campuses. Edina High School students quickly saw how her unorthodox methods of persuasion could be used to tackle an injustice of their own: eating in the flex spaces.

“The administration has been really weird about eating in the flex spaces, and I think she can help us out. I saw her YouTube videos and I think she’s the only one that can take them on. She has proven she’s more than capable,” junior Monica Sinclair said, referencing Bennett’s infamous impromptu interrogations. Bennett, after being invited to EHS by Sinclair, organized a number of students to stage a protest with her during lunch periods. 

She will stay close to her ‘gun rights’ roots; however, she’ll be trading in a handgun for a ham sandwich. Her food rights campaign “Let Them Eat Cake” focuses on open-carrying lunch trays into the newly constructed areas of the school. The activist has also been holding training sessions that teaches students how to confront administrative officers. These sessions detail learning how to put their lunch away in less than three seconds, dining-and-dashing, or even picking locks to gain admission into the third floor flex areas. 

Despite Bennet’s recent rise to fame, her popularity hasn’t followed suit. Her presence at the high school has prompted a number of riots over the last few days, similar to the ones at Ohio State University in February. From people chanting, “Where’s your diaper?” to throwing Zephyrus copies at her bodyguards, the torments didn’t stop. Bennet commented on her recent fame, expressing frustration with her followers. “People asking me on the street, ‘Do you need a diaper?’ is getting old. I don’t take handouts, I have my own diapers at home like most people,” Bennett said. Despite failing at EHS, it looks as though Bennett will keep asking about reverse racism and tampons in the men’s bathroom.

Forget math and English, advisory is what students actually need

A recent neighborhood research study conducted by a renowned mathematician and reading specialist, who goes under the alias of “Mr. Deaton”, suggests that the traditional curriculum of arithmetic and literature is outdated. The results have persuaded the Edina Public Schools district to shift their focus away from traditional education and instead devote more resources towards a comprehensive and all-encompassing advisory course. 

Thoughtfully placed in between fourth and fifth periods for only 25 minutes every even day, advisory is a time for reflection, absent-minded phone scrolling, and repeated viewings of Student Council videos. “I legitimately cannot tell you the last time I have used math as an adult,” Deaton said. “However, I spend, give or take, about 75 percent of my time at work on my phone trying to ignore whatever ‘facts’ I’m supposed to be researching.” If Edina High School claims to prepare students for life outside of school, expanding the length of advisory would be a great way to do this, especially since advisory realistically prepares students for the scenarios that  they will face in a post-graduation world.

High school is a stressful place for students, and advisory gives them a chance to relax in between difficult classes. “I love Advisory because it’s a great chance to see my friends, form bonds with my teachers, and best of all, because the teachers care even less than we do, it gives me a chance to vape in the bathroom for as long as I want without anyone getting suspicious,” freshman Ron Smoderlarious said. Students need the time to blow off steam—or rather, vape clouds—every now and then, and advisory gives them the chance to do this in a safe and judge-free environment.

Aside from Advisory, Flex Block also teaches students—especially underclassmen—important life lessons. “An open campus sticker on my student ID may not exist, but neither does a person checking for them at Door 7, so I see me leaving as a win-win situation for both the school and me,” freshman Monika Sayori said. Without Flex Block, students would have a much harder time learning important skills, like getting out of school in a way that looks as shady as possible. Flex should clearly be longer and perhaps replace all of sixth period in order to help out our underclassmen friends. 

Overall, EHS clearly does not place enough emphasis on both Advisory and Flex Block, and the amount of time for both should be increased. I suggest Advisory is reformed  into an everyday class, and offer students who excel an AP Advisory curriculum. Instead of teaching students the Pythagorean Theorem, we need to switch to teaching the ‘Get Out of Flex Block While Looking as Shady as Possible Theorem’.

Controversial Bathroom Justice Club seeks to make EHS bathrooms functional

Many school clubs are formed around a common interest such as a language, sport, or skill. However, the newly formed Bathroom Justice Club manifested out of a passion for improved bathroom conditions at Edina High School. The organization, started in February, meets weekly on Thursdays to discuss strategy.. 

“This is honestly the greatest fight of our lives, and we deserve justice on this issue. I formed this club in order to achieve much needed reform, even if that requires radical ideas,” junior Journey McGowen said. Bathroom Justice evolved from the Social Justice Club at EHS, which was dissolved last year due to a lack of interest. 

The club uses students’ own traumas to appeal for support on bathroom issues by including testimonies on their website. “The hole in the first floor girls’ bathroom sink grew six inches last night,” one anonymous source said. Other comments seemed to address student behavior. “Waiting in the vaping line to get to the bathroom can take 20 minutes, on a good day,” senior Bill Rowland said. 

On Feb. 11, Bathroom Justice Club took their demands to the next level by staging a walkout during fifth period. “A wide ranging coalition of 32 students joined us to say that we are serious about standing up against the systematic bathroom issues within our school. While we didn’t achieve our demands, I think our TPing of the school sent a clear message that this is a serious issue,” sophomore Brent Davenport said.

There are, however, some critics over the club’s demands. “Functioning locks on every bathroom stall? Where would EHS divert the money from? Those funds are needed for Mr. Marshall’s ghostwriter. They’re being unrealistic,” sophomore Tanner Johnson said. 

Going forward, the club hopes to advocate for more substantive solutions. One working idea is to campaign for the school to cut its allocation in next year’s budget for the proposed Life Time Fitness to be built onto EHS. This money could cover the cost of constructing 12 new bathrooms and replacing the sinks that went missing last year.

AOTM: Patrick Gooley, the fastest man alive?

Great sports legacies are built upon two things: winning and being charismatic as f***. For instance, Michael Jordan, Mohamud Ali, and Dale Earnheart all stand as models for how to ascend from being a regular athlete worth millions of dollars to being a wax figure in Madame Tussauds museum. Edina High School senior Patrick “Ghoul” Gooley hopes to join the ranks of the greats by getting out of class as fast as possible. No offense to anyone inducted into Edina Athletic Booster Club’s Hall of Fame, but this year may be the first time a EHS student has a chance at cementing an eternal legacy. 

Ghoul was born into a great sprinting legacy—his father Donald “The Don” Gooley was always the first one out of school for four years straight years at two separate high schools. “All my life, it’s been muscle cars and sprints. Ever since I could crawl, The Don has been training me for the only competition that matters. He just keeps pushing me and pushing me to the point that I honestly think he is just trying to relive high school through me. Joke’s on him though, because I’ll never be as cool as he was,” Ghoul said.

Long days on the track sprinting laps, hours spent mapping routes, and studying security camera footage have all been a part of The Don’s intensive training regiment. Before Ghoul ever even stepped into EHS, he had his route mapped out to get from Basketball Theory to his 1997 Pontiac Bonneville SSEI parked safely in the lower lot. 

Ghoul estimates that he saves approximately 49 seconds each day. When you do the math—which is extremely complicated and I simply cannot explain it to you because it will blow your mind—Ghoul has saved an astounding 34 days of real time because of his lightning fast sprints. 

While Ghoul has received many calls from college track recruiters and even a personal call from Usain Bolt, urging him to drop out and turn pro, this amazing gazelle-like athlete will attend UCLA (University Closest to Lyndale Avenue) in the coming fall. Despite dissenting members of the UCLA coaching staff arguing that Ghoul possesses “no real track experience,” he will compete in the 100m, 500m, and 1 mile races, and even has his eyes on the 2021 Boston Marathon—that is if the Coronavirus doesn’t shut it down first.

More run, no fun: Principal Beaton’s new movement initiative

In a recent announcement to the students and staff at Edina High School, Principal Beaton stated that he will be taking initiative to focus on movement in classrooms this year in an effort to stimulate learning and boost grades. “The goal is to wear out students so they don’t have the energy to get distracted or act out of line, but at the same time stimulate their mind for learning,” Beaton said. 

The goal came in response to this year’s MCA test scores, which, with only 64% of students in the 97th percentile or above, was a new all-time low. “We can’t let the reputation of this school go down the drain. As principal, I vow to raise both MCA scores and GPAs regardless of the physical and mental effects on students. Academic performance has to be the top and only priority for this school,” Beaton said. 

He continued by revealing his plan for achieving this goal. “The teachers will force their students to compete in various track and field events, such as the 100-meter dash, before every summative exam. Only the top eight places will get to take the test, so it will force students to work themselves to the bone,” Beaton explained. The idea is that students will have to train intensely to get the opportunity to test. However, the limited testing opportunities mean that students will study harder because they can’t risk failing potentially the only summative that they will take all semester.

Currently, two months into the initiative, the average GPA has declined from 3.6 to 3.4, but both the Boys’ Varsity Track and Field Team and Girls’ Varsity Track and Field Team went undefeated. When asked if his true motive was to expand upon the 187 state championships the school holds, Principal Beaton declined to comment.

Groundbreaking study group says that they will “actually get something done” for once

In a historic, unheard-of move, an Edina High School study group has announced that they will begin to use their meetings effectively and productively. According to the U.S. Department of Education, 99.47% of alleged ‘study groups’ are, in reality, pretexts for high school students to gather at coffee shops, libraries, and other places that provide a scholarly disguise for illicit procrastination. Nevertheless, an EHS study group has made the unanimous decision to defy the odds and end off-task behavior for good. 

The study group was formed by juniors Eleanor Ortiz, Levi Choi, Harper Partanen, and Ian Patel for their AP U.S. History Class. However, the group’s weekly meetings at Starbucks were quickly overcome with procrastination. “Levi keeps blaming me because I brought my Nintendo Switch one or 12 times, but it’s not my fault,” Ortiz said. “He and Harper were the ones who were getting distracted most of the time, not me.” 

According to a statistical analysis by Stanford University, it took an average consumption of 3.9 venti Mocha Frappuccinos (equivalent to 4.2 Oatmilk Honey Lattes or 2.7 Caramel Macchiatos) per member before anyone took out study materials. “Honestly, I just came so I could get coffee,”  Patel said. “I don’t really know any of the people in the group. I don’t think I’m even in APUSH.” 

But this semester, the group has vowed to turn things around after receiving advice from several WikiHow, Quora, and Reddit users. “I made a study plan, and found some review materials,” Partanen said. “I made one last semester, and everyone else kind of ignored it. But, like Reddit users u/MasterOogway397 and u/gelflingrebellion advised, we’re going to stick to it this semester.” All the members have also signed a pledge to stop distracting others during meetings, avoiding behaviors such as recruiting other patrons for TikTok videos, ‘ironically’ watching Peppa Pig videos on YouTube, and playing Harry Potter trivia Kahoots.  

In addition, Choi has spent several hours researching study techniques on Wikipedia. “I personally think the key is using old methods with new mindsets,” Choi said. “We’re going to keep bringing the AP review books, but we’re actually going to open them. Now that we’ve committed, I’m sure we’ll get something done.” 

If the study group manages to use their time effectively, they may improve their dismal grades. On the first semester final, the group earned an average of 97%, bringing shame to the entire city of Edina and causing EHS to be named “The Worst High School in America” by the Princeton Review.

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