Humor: Ways to Stay Warm

Olivia Sedarski, staff writer

Disclaimer: if you or a close friend/family member wears shorts outdoors anytime following the month of October, call your emergency care provider and seek professional help. Just kidding. You might want to check out a different article though.


Maybe you decided to take the economical route and purchase a St. Alban’s parking pass, silently congratulating yourself for being a little better than everyone else and also weirdly excited to peek in car windows as you saunter through the upper lot, 20 minutes late to first period. But all of a sudden, it’s November, and that peaceful sunrise stroll has become a frigid gauntlet. Alas!

For all I know, you were born in a densely warm, tropical region, and in a bizarre “Parent Trap” twist were flown to Minnesota and accidentally ended up in the arms of a wonderful midwestern woman who would raise you as her own. Perhaps hotdish always held an extra-warm place in your heart, but your physique rendered you susceptible to fall sniffles and blue lips in the winter.

Or you might have Raynaud’s. It’s nothing to be ashamed of—I know plenty of wonderful people with Raynaud’s (shoutout dad!).

Whatever the case, winters are tough. Whether you’re distantly related to Mark Zuckerberg and looking for ways to survive in a world of warm-blooded mammals or a midwesterner seeking something beyond hibernation this winter, check out these cool ways to stay warm!


  1. Drag your poor mother out of bed in the morning and make her start your car so you don’t have to touch the cold steering wheel.
  2. Carry an extremely hot beverage everywhere you go. The cup will preferably say “CAUTION HOT” or “ATTENTION CHAUD” if you are in France. If your hands get chilly, just open it up and pop a few fingers inside.
  3. Get a bunch of those sticky hand warmers and stick them all over your body.
  4. Elevate your heart rate to increase the blood flow to your extremities. For example, reading “Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark” by Alvin Schwartz without covering up the pictures. Alternate ideas include looking at Shel Silverstein’s headshot on the back of “Where the Sidewalk Ends.”
  5. Eat a handful of Carolina Reapers in preparation for sub-zero temperatures. *


*Neither Edina Zephyrus nor the author are liable for any harm that may come to any individual as a result of reading this article.