Vote Cthulhu 2016

Greyson Mize, staff writer

Have you ever wanted a crudely shaped cryptic creature with the distinct coloring of a pumpkin pie can filling from 2002 to be your president? No? Well you’re in luck, because esteemed politician, theologian, and philanthropist Cthulhu announced Wednesday that he will be running against candidate Donald Trump in America’s upcoming presidential election.

Despite allegedly trying to start a cult following in 1928, the tentacled candidate’s popularity has soared within the last few days. “People have been telling me I should run ever since I was on the Bachelor in 2012,” Cthulhu told Edina magazine. “It’s crazy, but here we are.”

In a statement made Friday, Cthulhu’s campaign manager stated that rather than adopting democratic views, Cthulhu is looking for “more of a world domination standpoint.” When elected, his first order of business will be to eradicate all human life, an aspiration that many presidents have failed to achieve.

“I’m not planning on sitting at a desk all day, I’m going to do things for my country, in my country,” he told American citizens during his speech on September 24 in Times Square. “I plan on destroying the world myself, with my own two hands if I have to.”

Cthulhu’s campaign has received overwhelming approval not only from the general public, but from students at our very own Edina high School. Since his declaration, more than 20 applications for Cthulhu fan clubs have been submitted.

Senior Janis Ian says Cthulhu is an inspiration to her in everyday life, “I feel like he’s just the tradition American man,” she said. “He gets me.”

Junior Derek Jeter agrees with Ian. “He doesn’t discriminate; no matter who you are he’s going to kill you. I think that’s beautiful.”

However, EHS Algebra teacher Brad Pitt had something else to say about America’s newest potential leader. “He’s got tentacles on his face, Trump is the obvious choice,” he told Zephyrus Friday afternoon. “How’s he gonna make America great again looking like that? He’s taller than the empire state building, the inauguration will be a nightmare!”

Presidential Candidate Donald Trump shares the same view, he tweeted yesterday: “Crooked Cthulhu is no friend of mine. If he wants any respect in this country, the green skin has gotta go!”

Despite criticism, Cthulhu’s campaign remains as strong as ever, announcing Godzilla as his VP on Saturday.

“I think our partnership could be the thing America needs,” said Mr. Zilla. “Our first goal is to unite the US with other nations, secure those relationships so when the time comes to destroy all of it we’ll have easier access to the resources we need. I’m taking a trip to Tokyo this weekend to discuss the process after Cthulhu gets elected. They’re big steps we’re taking, but I think it’s all going to work out.”

No matter which monster you’re voting for, don’t miss the quadrennial Candidate Battle in November, where all 18+ supporters of each candidate will go head to head in a jousting battle hosted in our very own Kuhlman field. Good luck seniors!