You’ve never seen something so repulsively disgusting:
Lines of horrid apparitions, each leave you equally untrusting.
There’s never been appliances that need more of a cleanse
Then the microwaves that once sat in this school’s very Commons.
Coated in some breadcrumb rust
Which an OSHA ban on is a must
Only works about half the time
Still much more dreadful things to rhyme
Always leaking putrid sludge
That got all over my cashew fudge
About as safe as Reactor 4
The metallic taste will leave you sore
All the heating plates could use a soapin’
The dang doors won’t even open!
The crusty garnish is no fun
You won’t want to use another one
The worst part is your food blows up like it’s been hit with a handgun!
The temperature won’t last you far.
About as hot as a chilled boxcar!
Billy says they turned his bagel bright.
Edwin’s chicken grew six feet in height.
And Yusuf swears it gave his grilled cheese mold.
But we know his grandma’s eyesight’s getting old.
Yet still those devices are no good.
Manufactured in Edina’s scariest hood!
That might be why all the food tints green.
Pete Hegseth should use these for killing machines!
The vents look like they’re made of goatskin hide.
I’m pretty sure a few kids DIED!
Cause these blasted things have carcinogens
You get from heating egg-sittin’ hens!
Yep, those microwaves were the opposite of safe sex.
I hope they install frozen yogurt machines next!
This piece was originally published in Zephyrus’ print edition on Dec. 18, 2025
