It is November 26. You are running through the aisles of your local Walmart, lungs screaming for air. Silly lungs. They do not understand what is at stake. They do not understand the importance of your mission. 

Today, and only today—this blessed, hallowed day—the Ultra D-Luxe King Toaster is 30% off. Thirty percent!  Oh-ho-ho, most ordinary folks do not understand the weight of this moment. However, you do. You understand it perfectly. 

The Ultra D-Luxe King Toaster has been discounted before. You know that. This is your medium. You are a maestro of this art. You know full well that if you type the discount code “HOLIDAYSAVINGS” onto the King Toaster website, you may receive 5% off. That may be enough for some, for measly and faint-hearted fools, but it is not enough for you. You are a lion stalking through a jungle, accepting only the juiciest and most tender deals. 

You skip towards the appliances aisle. Your heart heaves in your chests, palpitating rapidly. This is your moment. This is what you have waited for. 

You push a small child to the side on your way down. Silly child, you think. Walmart on Black Friday is no place for children. Only the strongest may succeed. The weak must be cut down, like miserly weeds.

The child’s mother cuts you a dirty look. You do not care. You have more important things hung in the balance than societal approval.

This is what it means to be American, you think. Never mind the faint screams coming from the furniture section. This is the American dream! You are so close to achieving it! What more to life is there than getting the gadgets of your dreams?

Oh, Karl Marx. He was so misguided! Clearly, he never felt the cool touch of a toaster against his fingertips! If he could be here in this Walmart, if he could see American capitalism at its very best, you feel certain he would repent. 

You see the toaster. It is the last one on the shelf, and it gleams as if illuminated by angels. Then, in the blink of a moment, you see someone else’s hand, reaching for the box. Time stops. Nausea floods your stomach. Without thinking, you break into a run. This is YOUR toaster. You’ve earned it.

Forging on, you push through the crowd of people fighting over a surround sound speaker. Yesterday they were friends or neighbors, but today they are fighting tooth and nail. You nod knowingly. Black Friday has a way of doing that to people—even the best of us.

You reach the toaster and aggressively yank it from the arms of the middle-aged woman who has seemingly secured it. Satisfied with your efforts, you run towards the checkout as quickly as you can whilst cradling the toaster in your arms like a small child. 

Some may criticize you for spending this day, the day after Thanksgiving, engaging in an animalistic discount hunt instead of spending time with your family. Thanksgiving celebrates gratitude and being thankful for what you have, they may say. They may criticize you for taking the toaster from someone who already had it. Pish, posh, you say. What’s the point of Thanksgiving if not to celebrate Americans taking what isn’t theirs?