For years, Edina High School Student Council has put on the Can Dance as a way to raise donations for local food shelves. This year, however, through meticulous analysis, they have determined that hungry people are not deserving of Edina students’ donations. “In trying to fit in with the Edina mentality, we have adopted the mantra of ‘If you are poor enough to need free food, you probably haven’t worked hard enough to deserve it’,” said Treasurer and senior Cole Harris.

Sophomore Maggie Hogan added, “Who even enjoys canned food? The world deserves better, and EHS Stud Co wants to be a part of changing the global eating landscape.” Perhaps EHS Student Council has lost sight of their duties, or perhaps they are simply visionaries of our generation.

“We knew the Can Dance had to go, but what would replace it?” wondered senior Councilman Luke Eidsvold. The answer? The Can’t Dance.

Why the Can’t Dance, you ask? Here’s why. “We were sick and tired of fostering the idea around school that these kids actually can dance. Have you ever seen one of our school dances? No one can dance, and quite frankly people should just do themselves a favor and stop trying. We decided it would be more useful to blast the student body with a cold shot of reality. They will all be at the Can’t Dance fully aware that their strange body gyrations are about as close to dancing as a kid at the Waterpark of America seizing as a result of the light slide,” explained Councilman and local Weatherman Will Kieffer.

For students, the name change has meant general relief and increase in well-being. “I would always go to this event terrified that everyone was watching me, expecting to see a man that could dance. I can’t dance!” admitted senior Jimmy Colwell.

As a way to promote the Can’t Dance, Student Council has promised a $250 gift card to Banfield Pet Hospital for the student who elicits the most sad expressions from their peers as a result of their dancing. Early frontrunner to take the crown George Nowak said, “There’s this one song called ‘Club TT’ I really like, but nobody else even remotely enjoys it. I’m hoping the song will come on and I will be the only one dancing, leaving the rest of the people to look at me in sheer loathing and disgust.”

Admission to the dance will be a mandatory eating of cold canned beans to advocate for the horrible food people receiving food stamps endure.