When Hayley (Clemens) Morrison isn’t acting as opinions editor on Zephyrus, you’ll most likely find her eating chicken nuggets at McDonalds or casually pooping in her favorite porcelain toilet. Yum. Unknown to most, Hayley happens to be a nationally renowned badminton player, known for her agility and seductive lunges. Her other activities include running (and/or prancing), Nordic ski, and obsessively watching Tangled. When a wild Hayley appears, you will probably notice her extremely straight teeth. Resist the urge to floss them; their whiteness will burn your skin. This German goddess has a knack for spooning and will frequently latch herself onto your backside in a swift, pelvic embrace. Give in to the cuddly furry. You’ll often notice (Dr.) Hayley doing her AP Chemistry, but pay even closer attention to her hands—those tiny appendages never grew past infanthood. Holding hands with Hayley is like holding hands with a fetus; just touching them makes many feel like pedophiles. This Zephyrus member is always cracking out the lawlz and has a tender soul, making Hayley the best human being ever birthed. So tight butthole.