In response to the first presidential debate of 2016, Zephyrus decided to fulfill its constitutional duty as the watchdog of the presidential candidates. By fact-checking the statements made in the debate, Zephyrus hopes to clarify the positions of the candidates for all students at Edina High School.

“I want us to invest in your future.” – Hillary Clinton

As a matter of fact, investment in the past is impossible, and to invest in the present is extremely difficult considering that the present is constantly becoming the past. A more accurate statement would’ve been “I want us to invest.”

“Our jobs are fleeing the country. They’re going to Mexico.” – Donald Trump

I thought he wanted to build a wall to keep Mexicans out, but now he wants to use the wall to trap Americans in? Sounds like he’s preparing for a mass exodus in the event that he becomes president.

“I think science is real.” – Hillary Clinton

So do I.

“And, Hillary, I’d just ask you this. You’ve been doing this for 30 years. Why are you just thinking about these solutions right now?” – Donald Trump

She’s been busy sending emails.

“Well, I hope the fact-checkers are turning up the volume and really working hard” – Hillary Clinton

Why thank you Hillary, as a matter of fact I am.

“Our airports are like from a third world country.” – Donald Trump

How would he know? He has a private jet to get him everywhere.

“In fact, I have written a book about it. It’s called “Stronger Together.” You can pick it up tomorrow at a bookstore or at an airport near you” – Hillary Clinton

Unfortunately our airports probably don’t have bookstores since they resemble a third world country.

“She tells you how to fight ISIS on her website. I don’t think General Douglas MacArthur would like that too much.” – Donald Trump

I don’t think General Douglas MacArthur would like how you don’t have any plans to fight ISIS.

“And you know what else I prepared for? I prepared to be president.” – Hillary Clinton

What? I thought this was a debate for the Edina School Board.

“We are in a big, fat, ugly bubble.” – Donald Trump

It’s called the atmosphere, and yes, it’s ugly because his companies have been polluting it for the past 50 years.

“We’ve got to get guns out of the hands of people who should not have them.” – Hillary Clinton

She’s right. We have to get guns out of their hands and into their feet. Therefore, if they ever try to use them, they will literally shoot themselves in the foot.

“And we need law and order.” – Donald Trump

He’s right too. In order to do this though, we must make Netflix free for everybody.

“And I believe strongly that commonsense gun safety measures would assist us.” – Hillary Clinton

Who needs common sense about guns? This is ‘Murica for crying out loud.

“You walk down the street, you get shot.” – Donald Trump

This is has been scientifically proven time and time again. Go outside and see for yourself.

“The question you asked is, what do we do here in the United States?” – Hillary Clinton

After this debate, I’m not sure I know anymore.

“Let me interrupt just a moment” – Lester Holt

Where did he come from?

You, anonymous reader, are now guaranteed to be a more informed member of the general public. Go out and make Zephyrus proud!