At 2:17 a.m., Edina Police received a frantic phone call from the residents of 2178 Gleason Road, reporting a silhouette perched on top of their neighbor’s roof making a high-pitched squealing noise. “We, were like, totally sure it was a murderer or a burglar or something,” said Mrs. Dithering, the woman who made the phone call. When the police arrived on the scene, however, they discovered that the menacing figure was merely a student at Edina High School.

High School Junior Terrence Matters, the student in question, was inspected by authorities, whereupon it was discovered that while he was physically unharmed, Matters’ sanity had fled the scene. When asked if he had seen which way it went, Matters merely pointed a trembling finger in the direction of the high school and burst into tears.

As a safety precaution, Matters has been kept under constant surveillance by psychiatric professionals, who have noted his irregular sleep schedule, ludicrous attire, and tendency to view a granola bar and a tub of Nutella as a complete meal. Dr. Anna Littic pronounced her diagnosis early last evening: “After carefully examining the patient, I have come to the conclusion that Matters is suffering from an acute case of Semana Finales, often caused by late-night study habits and overexposure to screen glare.” Symptoms of Semana Finales include “delirious, unprovoked laughter, trouble focusing vision, sudden fits of drowsiness, and tendency to make irrelevant and often illogical comments unrelated to surrounding conversation,” according to Littic.

The search for Matters’ sanity is ongoing, but police have doubts that their investigation will be able to capture the renegade. “We are doing everything we can, but for now it would be best to accept Matters as a lost cause, and give him some chocolate, or something. There’s really not much hope,” said Detective Inspector Dimmock.

If Matters’ sanity is spotted, DO NOT APPROACH HIM. It could be highly unstable due to the amount of strain it has had to bear in the past few weeks. Instead, call the Management of Incoherent Nocturnal Disasters (MIND) at 612-345-6758. Trained professionals will be on the scene in minutes to secure the sanity and reunite it with Matters before it can disappear again.