This weekend I went grocery shopping. Okay.

I happened to head over to Whole Foods.

I needed one thing. One thing. But naturally they just HAVE to have a hoodie display. Who doesn’t like hoodies? They’re basically my lyfe so I moseyed on over (very casually). As I’m trying on all these beautiful works of art, made fair trade in Africa, a worker basically sneaks up behind me to tell me how much she loves them too. Okay, ma’am, you don’t need to tell me, because EVERYONE LOVES HOODIES. I’m not tryin’ to bond with anyone up in here, I’m just trying to get in and get out.

Rudely, I keep my back to her as I remove the clothing item from my body and give one word answers, hoping she’ll get the hint. She kept talking as I perused the rack, looking at the four colors, debating which one was most practical. Finally, I work up the nerve to turn around. She’s gone. *Sigh of relief*

Here we go, deep breath. I try on one more hoodie. As I’m once again taking off a warm jacket made with love, it just has to decide to grow hands and grab the shirt I’m wearing. Do I just show a little stomach? Yep. But it goes farther than that. The shirt becomes wrapped around my head. I am now standing in a high-end grocery store with my face covered by the material that’s supposed to be keeping me modest. Well, guess what: it failed. As I frantically struggle to become publicly decent, I just had to collide with the array of hand lotions that apparently showed up just so I could knock it over.

I was probably like that for five or so seconds before I became not naked and then picked up all dat lotion. Hey everyone, hope you like my undergarments (aka my bra). Look around, there are a few people in the next aisle. I am doing nothing but hoping they didn’t see me. Look up, there is a row of cameras. Not joking. At least ten cameras surrounding me. Thank goodness it was all caught on tape from every single angle ever.

All I can say is you’re welcome to the people that watch the security tapes because that’s just gold. And I gave them that gold. I mean, really, I should get a written thank you note.

This experience inspired me. Sarah says everyone should just start flashing everyone so it becomes socially acceptable and no one ever has to feel ashamed because their shirt attacks their face in public.