Have you taken the ACT three times yet? What about the SAT? Have you started reading dictionaries to prepare for all the standardized tests you’ll be taking? Have you triple lettered in any sports?  If you answered no to any of these questions, you shouldn’t read this because you are below the level of intelligence with which I’m able to communicate. If you answered yes to all of these questions, you should be in decent shape, although you definitely have a long road ahead of you. These days, getting into college isn’t easy. Thankfully, I’m here to show you the ropes because I’m a professional and have aided many people along the road to acceptance at their dream school. My past students have been admitted to schools like the Minnesota University for Cagefighting, Indiana Corn Husking Academy, and the prestigious Fortune Cookie Writing College.

Step 1: Diet: If you want to be accepted into any type of college, you’d better start thinking about what you’re putting into your body. Foods that are high in fiber will increase your chances of memorizing all of the Latin roots. Trust me, it’s been proven by multiple clinical studies. You also want to stop exercising because it has been shown to make you happier. You are not allowed to be happy until you have been accepted into your dream school.

Step 2: Sleep: Many people think that having 6-8 hours of sleep a night is very important. This is a myth.  In reality, sleep is an opportunity to learn. I recommend putting headphones on and listening to Rosetta Stone while you doze off (there’s a reason why I’m so good at Chinese!). When you’re sleeping, your brain is functioning at its highest so your memory is solid.

Step 3: Social Life: Let’s be honest, with all of the studying you should be doing, you shouldn’t really have time for a social life. However, I really recommend that you somehow squeeze this into your schedule. Communicating with other people your age allows you to scope out the competition and really gauge where you’re at compared to others. You always want to remember to trust nobody and treat everyone like they’re out to get you and your ACT score.

Step 4: Homework: Seriously though, homework is so overrated. You really shouldn’t do it because it’s just a waste of your time. If you’re having trouble getting rid of your nagging teacher, talk to me in private and we can work something out with my “buddies.” What you should be doing is reading all of the books. All of them – every book ever written. I’m not kidding.

There you have it: my four steps to getting into college. When you finally achieve your goal and get into your dream school, stop and smell the roses, since when you’re finished you probably want to focus on getting into medical school, and so on and so forth. Good luck!