iPhone 6, 6 Plus, 6s, 6s Plus. We’re all feeling overwhelmed with all of these confusing names by this point. But never fear, Zephyrus is here. We went to get the latest scoop on what’s new in the world of iPhone, and why you, yes you, should spend your (daddy’s) money on it.

The first major difference between the iPhone 6/6 Plus, and the 6s or 6s Plus is the color. In addition to silver and space gray, (not to be confused with light gray and dark gray, the obvious correct terminology is silver, and space gray) Apple has added two more colors for the iPhone 6s and 6s Plus: gold and rose gold. But don’t let your mind deceive you, these aren’t merely yellow and pink as they would appear. If they were yellow and pink, yellow would take on an appearance of mustard so only hipsters who push to wear autumn colors all year round would buy it because if would match their mustard colored beanies swimmingly. But it’s gold, so now it can be sold to adolescents all over the world who love the fact that their golden iPhone 6s plus 64GB matches mommy’s golden Lamborghini that she sometimes “lets you” take out for a drive. Maybe the next color to come out can be orange so it can match the orange leather seats on the inside of dad’s Maserati. And if it were pink, only 12 year old middle school girls would ask their parents to buy them and cry of joy when it’s under the tree Christmas morning. I can hear it now, the banter in the gym locker room, well my cell phone goes perfectly with my neon pink, Victoria Secret Pink thong. But thank goodness it’s rose gold so instead so it’s appealing to high school girls too! I can hear it now, the banter in the gym locker room, well my cell phone goes perfectly with my rose gold Urban Outfitters thong.

Next is the display. There are huge differences, the iPhone 6 and 6 plus only offer Retina HD display, while the 6s and 6s plus offer Retina HD display with 3D touch! Wow, I’m sure that feature will definitely last a while and not stop working suddenly within a year as your cell phone begins to combust itself as it was built to do so and leaves you in need of an upgrade. OH WAIT look at that, just in time here walks in our friend, iPhone 7.

Now on to the capacity. Besides the 16GB option, skipping right over the perfect inbetween practical option of 32GB and going straight for 64GB, the 6s and 6s Plus now offer 128GB! But let’s be practical, who would be able to use up that much space within the year you have before your cell phone begins to self destruct slowly but surely and JUST IN TIME here comes our good friend, iPhone 7.

Now for the chip. We’ve moved up from the A8 chip to the A9. Oh my, I’m sure they are very different judging by the fact that we’ve gained a number character.

Touch ID! Instead of the basic “Fingerprint sensor built into the Home button” we now have “Second-generation fingerprint sensor built into the Home button.” What could second generation mean to Apple? The world may never know.   

The camera has moved up from 8 megapixels to 12 megapixels, what a dramatic change that will be. How does Apple expect the world to cope?  

Even though the new Iphone is drastically different from the last, there is one thing that hasn’t changed. Good ol’ Siri is still alive and well, not at all changed, not better or worse. She’ll still be there for you when you want to ask stupid questions like “what’s your favorite color” and “tell me a bedtime story” and of course we all love the classic “Siri, whats 0/0?” Who doesn’t love hearing your cell phone roast you and tell you that you have no friends? Thanks Apple, and last but not least, she’ll still be there ready to scream out on full volume in the middle of class “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that” as you accidentally press down on your home button with your butt. Oh no! Your butt is too big you’ve crushed your home button Siri’s voice comes to a halt your screen cracks tears run down your face country’s go to war buildings collapse babies scream IT’S ALL TOO MUCH and then, just in time, in walks our good friend to save the day, iPhone 7.