It’s easy for March to seem a little stark after three consecutive months of holiday-filled festivities. Yet even though this muddy month can’t boast of Christmas, Hanukkah, New Years, or even Valentine’s Day, you might be surprised to find that it’s home to a plethora of lesser-known, yet equally festive holidays. Here, Zephyrus compiled a list of the very best, and directions on how exactly to go about celebrating them.
1. If Pets Had Thumbs Day, March 3rd.
Don’t have a pet you could wish an opposable thumb on? No worries, head over to your local humane society or pet store and daydream to your heart’s content. Bonus points for going above and beyond simple visualization and actually fashioning a festive (albeit creepy) thumb for your canine or feline (or fish, we won’t judge).
2. Panic Day, March 9th.
The directions for celebrating this holiday are easy. Or wait, ohmigawsh, are they????!
3. Everything You Did is Wrong Day, March 15th.
Not even going to bother trying to explain this one because I never do anything right anyways.
4. Freedom of Information Day, March 16th.
This holiday doesn’t come everyday, so make the most of it! Use today to check in on your significant other every few minutes with questions like: How’s it going? Where are you? Who are you with? Do you miss me? What are you doing? Is it something cool? Because as they always say, knowledge is power.
5. Goddess of Fertility Day, March 18th.
“Why isn’t there a God of Fertility Day?” remarked junior Jon Whear. Save that question for Freedom of Information Day, Jon. Today we must not challenge, but instead direct our thoughts and devote our actions towards praising the most fertile woman in the universe. Hallelujah for the best child-bearer there ever was.
6. Extraterrestrial Abductions Day, March 20th.
Please, a moment of silence for our brethren seized by those pesky space aliens. And another one bites the dust.
7. Fragrance Day , March 21st.
Axe bombs are so middle school. Come March 21st, spray literally everything you see with the contents of a Bath and Body Works store and watch as the world bursts into a spicy explosion of Daisy Dreamgirl, Warm Vanilla Sugar, and Japanese Cherry Blossom.
8. Clam on the Half Shell Day, March 31st.
March 31st is also also Bunsen Burner Day, so if you’re not akin to seafood take hope in that there’s always enough Bunsen burner to go around.
