AOTM: Patrick Gooley, the fastest man alive?

April 1, 2020

Great sports legacies are built upon two things: winning and being charismatic as f***. For instance, Michael Jordan, Mohamud Ali, and Dale Earnheart all stand as models for how to ascend from being a regular athlete worth millions of dollars to being a wax figure in Madame Tussauds museum. Edina High School senior Patrick “Ghoul” Gooley hopes to join the ranks of the greats by getting out of class as fast as possible. No offense to anyone inducted into Edina Athletic Booster Club’s Hall of Fame, but this year may be the first time a EHS student has a chance at cementing an eternal legacy. 

Ghoul was born into a great sprinting legacy—his father Donald “The Don” Gooley was always the first one out of school for four years straight years at two separate high schools. “All my life, it’s been muscle cars and sprints. Ever since I could crawl, The Don has been training me for the only competition that matters. He just keeps pushing me and pushing me to the point that I honestly think he is just trying to relive high school through me. Joke’s on him though, because I’ll never be as cool as he was,” Ghoul said.

Long days on the track sprinting laps, hours spent mapping routes, and studying security camera footage have all been a part of The Don’s intensive training regiment. Before Ghoul ever even stepped into EHS, he had his route mapped out to get from Basketball Theory to his 1997 Pontiac Bonneville SSEI parked safely in the lower lot. 

Ghoul estimates that he saves approximately 49 seconds each day. When you do the math—which is extremely complicated and I simply cannot explain it to you because it will blow your mind—Ghoul has saved an astounding 34 days of real time because of his lightning fast sprints. 

While Ghoul has received many calls from college track recruiters and even a personal call from Usain Bolt, urging him to drop out and turn pro, this amazing gazelle-like athlete will attend UCLA (University Closest to Lyndale Avenue) in the coming fall. Despite dissenting members of the UCLA coaching staff arguing that Ghoul possesses “no real track experience,” he will compete in the 100m, 500m, and 1 mile races, and even has his eyes on the 2021 Boston Marathon—that is if the Coronavirus doesn’t shut it down first.

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