New golf dome alternatives

Approximate site of the HemidoDECAskidron!

Micah Osler, print news editor, blogger

So apparently we’re getting a Golf Dome. I’ll be up front about this – I know absolutely nothing about golf, except that it involves small, painful balls, implements of whacking, and corrupt political bargaining (sometimes).  But still, it seems somewhat odd that golfers would need a monolithic dome to call their own just to practice hitting said small and painful balls with said implements of whacking (parenthetical side note: to clarify, I imagine the Golf Dome as an enormous arena-type thing, towering over EHS like a partially submerged Death Star filled with people in silly golf shorts). What kind of strange, twisted, golf-related villainy will take place within the Golf-Dome? It just seems destined, by virtue of its name alone, to become an evil lair of some sort.

Anyhow, it seems to me that if we’re going to get something as absurd/awesome/exorbitantly expensive as a Golf Dome, I should at least offer a few suggestions for future budget expenditures that will, likewise, not let you down in the coolness or costliness departments. School board members, get out your checkbooks, because here are six ideas at least as ridiculously cool (and budget-draining!) as a Golf Dome:

Hall of Lasers – Counselors – whining about how nobody ever comes to see you? Whine no more! Under this plan, $1.2 million would be allocated for the sole purpose of converting the current math/counseling hallway into a 24/7 psychedelic freakout! Throughout the day (and into the night), a laser light show, complemented by a fog machine, would light up the hallway as Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” plays on infinite repeat. Could easily be repurposed as very small dance floor, tool for blinding disobedient students, and in-house laser eye surgery clinic (great for tourists).

HemidoDECAskidron! – Why should golf get all the geometric shapes? The HemidoDECAskidron! would be, as its name implies, an enormous hemidodecahedron that would replace EPAC, most of the English and history departments, and 4/5ths of the Creek Valley neighborhood. Inside would be facilities suitable for both DECA and skiing – possibly an artificial mountain with a cozy ‘90s-style coffeehouse inside of it? If expenditures allow, airlifting in much of the nation of Lichtenstein and placing it inside the HemidoDECAskidron! would certainly benefit the local economy, both of Lichtenstein and of its new home. Cost: appx. $80 million plus current market value of Lichtenstein.

Deep South Lot – Tired of having to choose between the North Lot and the South Lot – when it comes right down to it, they’re pretty much the same, right? Well, there’ll be a new, and far more exciting, choice soon – the Deep South Lot! Located approximately 1,800 miles southeast of Edina High School in scenic rural Alabama, students looking for a fresh parking experience will find it at the Deep South Lot, where they will receive Southern hospitality, grits, Civil War stories, religious tracts, subtexts of racial tension, pro-Confederate ramblings, humidity, and any three William Faulkner novels of their choosing. Cost: appx. $4 million. Please note that students should arrive at the Deep South Lot early so as to allot plenty of time for the walk back to school.

Exploratorium® – As great as EHS’s science staff are, students today just aren’t as engaged in learning about the world around them as they should be. This isn’t their fault – who could be engaged with our underfunded, over-Cloroxed science labs? That’s why I’m proposing an expenditure of $600 million to build an Exploratorium® right here at Edina High! Want to know about pendulums? There’s an enormous one in the atrium you can watch for hours! What about electricity? A mammoth clear-plastic-and-rubber-ball model of electromagnetism can teach so much better than any “teacher”! Ionic bonding? Gigantic Velcro blocks! Quantum mechanics? Play-Doh and duct tape! String theory? Bill Nye and some Muppets! Yes sir, an Edinaxploritorium will provide students with hours of hands-on all-ages educational fun, and all for the low, low admission price of $24.95 (the proceeds of which will fund the also-new Kile-Richter Institiute for Kazookelele Studies and Theory)!

The Hornet’s Nest – Let’s face it, folks – the hornet is many things, but at least in the abstract, it’s not threatening. Hornets are pests, that’s what they are, and not even very interesting ones. Pretty much any other mascot in the Lake Conference – be it an eagle or royal consort or even a skipper – could easily crush a hornet. What Edina needs to do to improve its intimidation factor – and, thus, its athletic programs – is to take the hornet out of the abstract and show it for the fearsome beast it is. That’s why Edina High School should allocate $40 million for the construction of The Hornet’s Nest – an enormous on-campus live hornet enclosure. The approximately 400,000 hornets, each named after a benefactor or former principal, would provide valuable real-life experience for APES students, a steady supply of much-needed venom for our woefully underfunded AP Potions curriculum, and a great way to get the crowd moving at hockey games, pep rallies, and fundraising events alike! During the football season, the hornets would be stored in an enormous glass hive located at the 50 yard line, and could be trained to attack anything not wearing green and released at will so as to maximize team spirit and winning. With an additional $8 billion allocation, the hornets could be genetically altered to resemble our current logo (inexplicably possessing fangs and a stinger, and also being green and yellow), thus eliminating the need for a new logo.

Zephyrus Pantheon – At a time when many schools are cutting their journalism programs, Edina needs to stand strong and send a message to the rest of Minnesota (and America!) that it strongly supports student journalism – and what better way to do that than with a Zephyrus Pantheon? The structure, built out of hewn marble in the Greco-Roman tradition and consisting of uncountable open-air chambers held up by Ionic columns, would provide valuable space and resources for our equally valuable newspaper, including but not limited to golden thrones and scepters, plentiful grapes and fine cheeses, an arena in which Zephyrus members can watch the staff of Windigo and Images do mortal battle with lions and other beasts of the Orient and beyond, and a fully-functioning printer. The mountaintop testament to the praiseworthy gods among men that are Zephyrus’s staff would be a quick chariot ride away from EHS. Cost: appx. $155 million.